fracture
2007-10-19
wowzers. A new entry.
I've just finished my first half term of sixth form, which i must admit had exceeded my expectation on the degree of difficulty.
Chemistry has proven to be a right pain up the arse. It's has maths involved, i mean, seriously! How am i supposed to do maths?
Anyway, my academic life is going quite well.
yet, i wanted to update in order to stream off all my problems because sometimes, letting them all out like this helps.
I have a boyfriend. For the sake of privacy, i'm dubbing him 'fracture' (dunno why). Those who know me will know his name, so there's no point in writing it.
If you are reading this, monsieur fracture, then you will understand why i have been 'stressed'. The truth is, i'm upset and exasperated - which of course relates to stress.
I met him in kenya, during a trip that a group of school peeps went to, including me. for four weeks - i did some interesting and life changing stuff.
In the last week or so, i was pretty down. I had just recovered from a nasty illness and i was low on energy and just hype. Basically, i wanted to reach out to people as i was lacking loving figures - its amazing what a hug from your mum will do. Of course, my mum wasn't with me at the time.
Craving love, it wasn't hard to make myself believe that i had a crush. I found out that fracture liked me - so i liked him for this do to the fact that i wanted to reach out to someone.
In this state of mind, i wasn't thinking about how things always worked out for me. I'm a hard person to match well with - normally, i find someone that i like whose nice and likes me back. But, of course, i don't consider whether i like them.
This, friends, is my flaw. I'm so naive to the concept of relationships so i only 'go out' with people so their happy.
Even if i'm not.
You see, fracture likes me enough to make it hard for me to tell him how i feel. It's not even like anything's happened. Only holding hands and polite pecks - not much conversation and a difference in personality.
I'm self-conscious and i am careful about the way i look - he's not. I'm loud and have an odd sense of humour that finds anything funny - he doesn't. He loves politics - i hate politics. we're two worlds apart.
My world revolves around spirituality and love - because i find politics and money useless if you aren't happy in life. to him, economics and politics are the foods of life.
Somehow, i can see arguements. There are already awkward silences and just general awkwardness. How can he expect me to talk to myself?
I just don't get what i'm supposed to do. The jess he knows is a kind, self-less person. But right now i'm the opposite because i'm just not happy.
I've made a decision that has made me upset and rotten. It's up to me to make it right - it's m responsiblity.
Yet, it's always my responsiblity and i'm tired of always making the move. I want to lay back and hope things will work out...but my experience begs to differ.
So if i can't finish it due to the consequences, can i lock myself away? Should i be outragous?
I don't think fracture understands relationships. Its a two sided thing, not a one sided thing. Both people are meant to feel the love, not one.
If i'm not happy, then soon he won't be either when i result in getting upset in front of him.
i'm seriously fed up right now,,,enough's enough.
i hate being a teenager.
lubsy,
jessage