Resolutions
2006-12-22
It's been only three days and a half in the christmas holidays and so far i have done absolutely nothing.
On tuesday i had all my Colehillian friends and i'm surprised my house in still in one piece. Everyone was doing different things and there were peanuts everywhere1! Why did i show Adam the peanuts!!
Well, anyway, after i tidied everything up i was throughly pissed off. I invited people over in pure xmas spirit and all they do is wreck my house and throw peanuts at the television.
Luckily, they left me with enough time to sort out the house and not receive a boll*cking from dad ^^;
Wednesday thank god was free so i wasted it away with a combination of playstation and PC. I told my destructive friends that i was busy so no hell for moi.
Though, thrusday spelt trouble when they came back round again after no phone and no invitation!! GASP I was sooo annoyed. Jamie came aswell which was even more annoying becuase i can't exactly shoo away my own 'lover'. Half an hour later and finally they left! What the hell did they expect? I could go out becasue i was home alone and my mum was going to be in any second. Plus i was about to eat. They were just being a hindrance and it pissed me off.
I really don't want to waste my xmas holiday by going out in the freezing cold and do absolutely nothing.
Another thing that really annoyed me was how they all expected to be able to drink all my booze with my parents out. It's my F*CKING booze for new years and they cant just drink it all away expecting that it doesnt matter. Oh it's ok, we can all get pissed. Well not in my house. You arent going to drink all my booze then throw up everywhere.
Christmas is stressful enough without having to shoo away my friends because i know that they'll just cause more chaos than it's worth.
Besides, i can't waste all my holiday time with my family by being upset and hurt by the way im being used at the moment. Christmas is all about family and i cant be all grouchy around them.
But it's not my fault!
I feel so pressurised everytime i got out with them all because there's no decent excuse. Hell, walking around at subzero is no fun! Everytime i say 'i can't come out' it's always 'why? Why? Why' .......................and keeps bugging me until i have to go out or they'll bug me all night.
And what do i do when we go out. Sod all thats what.
Anyway...my darling reader, i hope you see how annoyed i am at the moment. Sometimes i think that no one knows me because everyone around me seems to think that i don't care about anything.
I try and make myself not show any hurt so people can see that i'm not a wimp but now everyone expects me to not be hurt when i am. I try to be myself, but that is myself. I bottle things up becuase it's easier that way, no hassle for me.
People see a weakness and they'll pcik at it. The world isn't a nice place and i understand that. Maybe bottling things up is a protection that not evey many people can understand. There are lots of people i know who dare not show their true feelings because of what it'll mean if they do!
I understand that sometimes showing what you feel can turn your friends against you. But i've found out that this doesn't matter because if they don't respect how you feel then they aren't true friends. No one show be afraid to show others what they feel, emotion is so important and restraining it is stupid.
So, i shouldn't care about my troublesome freidn problem. If they don't respect my home then they don't respect me. Isn't that what friendship is all about? Respect?
Maybe next year some people should learn respect because of what it means.
Someone asked me a question once, someone very close to me who passed away recently. He asked me 'What do you desire most?' At the time i didn't know what i desired and also i realised that i had to find out.
But now i know what i desire.......i desire a chance to show people all i have ever felt. I don't have the courage to shout it out or the courage to tell people face to face. But i wish i did.
No one knows me like they should and that is all my fault, no one elses.
So, therefore, i have a new years resolution to make.
This year i tried so hard to make myself more independant...to think for myself. I threw anyway something that made me someone i didn't want to be.
Next year i want to take the next step into showing everyone what it means to be me. I'm going to cease the relationships that tie me down....i'm going to sort my life out.
That....is what i'm going to do :-)