Ergh...confused
2007-01-23
Well....today i felt as if things were truly spick! I started off feeling happy becuase it was a new day. Andie and Fran were back at school always a good thing methinks.
I'm happy...smiling + laughing = happy. It's not that hard.
But no matter how hard i try to be happy, i always have this sense of worry, saddness, anger and paranoia that i try to ignore.
It's always there, in the back of my head. I know it's there becuase it's all those feelings i hate. But, they are part of me so i need them in order to be who i am.
I know that my happiness is false in most cases, not for other people but in an attempt to sheer myself up. I've been doing that a lot recently but i can feel myself straining.
There's just too much to cope with. I can't handle it anymore. I don;t know what to do because i kow that sooner or later i'm going to explode.
Maybe i need a good old cry...but what if that doesn't help. Shedding tears over something i can't get to grips with is pointless.
I want to talk about it but i'm afraid of what people will say.
Everytime i try to tell someone about how i feel, they always tell me that i'm talking a load of rubbisha dn not to be silly.
But that doesn;t help me.
I just worry that i am being silly and that what i'm feeling is stupid. The reason i get worked up is becuase i'm pointless and uesless.
Then i get depressed becuase i feel useless and worthless.
I realise, eventually, that i'm scared of being alone.
To me, being lonely is the worse feeling. When i feel upset due to too much stress, I'm scared that people will isolate me because i'm ebing 'silly'. I don't want to be left on my own again.
That's why i'm upset now. Becuase i feel as if no one can help me anymore. I'm lost, confused, muddled and i don;t know why!
I just need someone who will understand and not see me as a retard.
oh...damn me and my emotions...i really should keep them hidden away becuase she what happened when i release them.